Real Football

It almost seems unfair that a season like autumn, which already has so many good things about it, should also have the football season. I sighed with pleasure about the football season to a non-football fan, the other day. I had her/him stereotyped as the kind of person who would turn up their nose and say, "There's already a perfectly good game that the rest of the world calls football. What's good about stupid American football?" They were referring of course to the deadly dull "world-sport" of soccer.

Was there any point in trying to explain one of the finer things of life to a big, overgrown, NPR-listening, college sophomore? Probably not, but she did ask the question. With my best effort at being understandable and non-condescending, I started with the premise that Sports are mock-War. She agreed to play along with that, and suddenly my cause appeared hopeful.

The rectangular field of football fits the TV screen well, but the same is true for soccer, hockey, and basketball. But it's only football that has a well-defined Front between the two Armies. There are pauses in the War that help you appreciate the military situation. The Front moves toward the Enemy's heartland, and as it does so, the suspense builds. In sports like soccer or hockey the "ball" moves back and forth, almost at random, and if you blink at the wrong moment, you miss the goal.

Football has Infantry (the front line grunts), Panzer tanks or cavalry (the running back), and an active Air War when the quarterback (the general) throws it. Soccer excludes the upper body; isn't that ridiculous? After the Conquest is made, football has the Occupation, the extra-point kick.

Much to my surprise she really appeared to be listening to me and appreciating these arguments. Of course there is more to War than killing the Enemy: there's also Raping and Pillaging.

Unlike soccer games in Europe, American football features beautiful, half-nude cheerleaders, which connects male fans with the primal satisfaction of the warrior: ravishing (degrading) the women in a country that you've just conquered. This was always part of the "pay package" for the traditional warrior.

As for Pillaging, well, tearing the goal post down is a start. But think of the Euro-snob's objection to the endless corporate ads that interrupt a football game. These ads are actually a positive thing: they suggest imposing your corporate culture, banking, and political system on a defeated enemy. When you think about it, that's best illustration of all in a Sport being mock-War.